I never want to ever say the words “I love you” ever again! Why is it that mankind has a hard time saying these words to the one(s) they love? Why is it so difficult to express? Why is it such a big deal to be told or received these words? Why is it when we feel like this we are scared? Why do we or better said I start running if I hear it from the opposite sex?
These ‘little’ words are one of the hardest things for me to comprehend. In my younger years, I hardly ever felt this and when I did…I ran, I denied it all and what did I get in return? I got chased my loves ones who I denied, and hugged like crazy and sometimes it was really welcomed…but other times I said “gross, cuddies, sick, yuck, blah,” etc… Even tho I know I am saying now that I don’t want to ever say these words ever again, I know I will feel it more than ever. But right now I feel nothing. Fair warning: If you tell me I love you, I will say ‘ditto’ or ‘yeah’ or even ‘yep’. I’m not saying I don’t love ya back, its just that right now I am having a hard time with it cuz its been a really long time since I’ve heard it sincerely towards me or even felt it. So get over yourself and deal with it. When I do say these words I really do mean it. But because I really do mean it, it means a lot, probably more than you can imagine. Especially for me to say it! SO DON’T TAKE IT LIGHTLY. Love is one of those long eternal process thing for me. And lately I feel as if people don’t believe me or care that I say it, so this is why I am going to try not to say these powerful words. If I do say it to you, I probably slipped, or your just plain lucky. This is how I feel about it at the moment.
I love you’s toward the opposite sex:
Well, this is hard to explain. I’m sure most of you have your owe meaning of this but for me. Let’s just say I get embarrassed really easily and fast. Other times (depending on the person or situation) I run away as fast as I can. I really don’t know why, wait that’s a lie…I do know why, cuz I’m scared and a BIG chicken! I also question it a lot. Probably not the smartest thing to do but I need to understand the reasons why they feel this way and why me? There are plenty of other great women out there that are more qualified for the men that I know. I’m just saying…I will say that guys that are my friends and actual boyfriends/dating partners are a totally separate feeling but very similar indeed.
I love you’s toward same sex:
Girls are a whole lot more easier to say it too. Well, not entirely true but mostly true in my case. I don’t say it right away but I do know that I show it in other ways. For example; if I love you I always talk to you, I admire you, I ask for your counsel, opinion and guidance, I look out for you, I defend you (when needed), I start holding you higher in my mind compared to other friends or acquaintances. Stuff like that, actually some of these can also go for the opposite sex. But again same rule or statement applies here too. If I say it to you, I really mean it.
I love you’s toward family:
There’s a saying that I was told once by a friend long ago, I think it went like this: “blood is thicker than water”…don’t quote me on that. I’m not sure if I have it right. Family is a very tight bond in life. Even tho my family isn’t much of a family, well I shouldn’t say that but those that know me will kinda understand what I am saying. They say “home is where the heart is” for me home or family if you will is or are those who I keep the deepest in my heart. I have my sister from my mother who I love and my mother who I love from a very, very, very long distance. Then you have all of those people who I decide to be in my circle and I claim them as family in my heart. On that note I have a good amount of brothers, sisters, fathers, and MOTHERS. I cherish my mothers the most of course. Don’t be jealous, they have earned that title more than any other person(s) in my life. Just to clarify this does include those I have lived with prep mission or as I refer to it “my past life.” Quick explanation on that; ask anyone of my dear close friends, before my mission I was WAY different vs the way I am today. A mission does change you, puts a lot of things in perspective among other things.
It easier to say it to family cuz when they first tell me I can see it and sometimes they just say it in passing but the thing is that they like to explain it to me as a lecture, well that’s the way I take it. And sometimes they really do shake it into me while hugging me that sometimes I feel like I am one of those “bobble’ head dolls. Sometimes it so much all I can do is “smile and nod” (seminar answer). The thing about family is that I ponder about their words so much that eventually it brings a smile to my face cuz by then I realize what those words and eyes tell me as they talk and see me…even their actions. I am one stubborn son of a gun that I dread out things longer than it should be. Un fortunately this is how I learn and see things. I am trying really hard to work on a different method to learn quicker but “patience is a virtue” as they say.