I would like to give you a little of background info of the kind of person I use to be and how it/I came together. First I want to say that I am not doing this out of low self esteem or to be prideful in what I have done. I am doing this so you can hopefully understand where I come from and how the Lord has helped me through my trials and shown me the right path to take.
Eons ago I came to be on this earth to a family of one mother and one sister. If I understand the Pre-existence correctly it was my choice to come here. With that choice came many trials and tribulation that I agreed with. Regardless of my own desires it was the plan of my Heavenly Father.
As I grew up there was a lot of trials from the gecko. It wasn’t easy but well just wait and read. My childhood wasn’t the same as others or “normal” but hey who really is “normal” nowadays? One of the things I learned quickly was to restart my life over and over again. You see, during my childhood we moved A LOT, seriously. I can’t count them all but I do remember having to start fresh many times. I’m talking about clothes, shoes, school work, food, shelter, and everything you can think of. Name it and I’ve lost it at least once or twice, remember this wasn’t by choice. The main reason(s) all of this happen was because 1. We got evicted 2. My mother sold our stuff for money or 3. She would put our stuff in storage until we found another place to live, but when we came for it, the people sold our stuff because my mother didn’t make the monthly payments. I think this is why I hate Barbie’s or all dolls for that matter. To be honest they actually scare me half to death.
In my teen years, big issues started happening and some came at me really fast. I started being very angry, depress, sad, violent, protective, defensive, scared, nervous, paranoid and some what rebellious (especially at school). It’s not a “normal” way of life for a teenager or for anyone. At this stage of my life I lost a lot and lost the ability to trust anyone let alone my own self. Even to such the extent of not letting people, (love ones who actually cared for me from church) get close to me. One of the main reasons I got or became this way was because my own mother hurt me a lot. She has caused me more pain beyond anyone else in my life. Pretty much she hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but she betrayed me more than once and never kept a promise. Promises might not be a big deal to some people but in my experience they are BIG to me. So if you make a promise to me, trust me I will hold you to it.
I didn’t really have much joy in my life but I guess I had enough to just keep me going a little at a time. I believe my teen years where the hardest and it is also the same time that Heavenly Father’s hand came into place.
Because He loves me, He put many people in my life to help me, to guide me, to show me good examples and to help me see beyond the pain and sorrow of my heart. I know He is a loving Father because I was able to live with a few wonderful families. It is true that one has to go through pain and sorrow to feel or realize the joy and happiness in their own lives. Even if you cannot see it at first, but down the line when you look back and see those times where you were happy, that is what is most important. That is what now keeps me going in life.
Through out these some odd twenty years of my life, I’ve had to make lots of decisions. Some of which I wish I could take back. Every day, every hour, every min and every second, we are faced with a choice. Before I went on my mission I made “worldly” choices, but now that I am back and grateful to be a little more wiser I try to make “eternal” choices. How? You may ask, simple. I just think how it will benefit me in the long run and how will it help me reach my spiritual goals to return to my Heavenly Father. You see ever since all this drama with my “supposed” family started and my life was going downhill fast I wished so hard to just return to my Heavenly Father. I’ll even tell you how I would picture it, so picture this.
Skip the death part of life and visualize walking towards some very tall gold beautiful shiny gates. As I get closer the gates would open and I would walk through them. An angel surrounded by many others beckons me to keep going, so I proceed. The glory sight of purity surrounds me and my heart is full of joy, then I stop in my tracks for I see His throne and who am I to go to him freely. Dressed in white I knee as the people did in the Americans when they saw the Savior come down. With tears in my eyes I hear His voice telling me my dearest daughter come to me. As I look up and see Him, His arms are wide open and as a little child runs to his parents I get up and walk towards Him and hug Him as I have always wanted to hug a father. He in return hugs me and comforts me so much that all my injuries are gone and my pain is lifted away. This is the greatest desire of my heart! To return to him and receive a father’s hug. For what ever reason I live on this earth without one I don’t know and may never know. But I promise you I will and am doing everything in my power to go home…my celestial home.
By great examples from my leaders from church, teachers, friends, and some great counsel, I have been able to make the right choices. Life isn’t easy yes I know, but it’s not impossible. Although sometimes it feels like it but the Lord is with us every step of the way. It depends on us if we are willing to be humble and listen to His guidance. As I hit many forks on the road of my life I realize that if these events did not happen to me as according to plan I would not be standing here today. Therefore I am grateful for those experiences and hardships and those occasional fun times. I like the quote that states “to everything there is a season” I don’t know who said that but they must be a wise person. Many forks are still on the way and will continue to come until my Father in Heaven calls me home, so until then I will try/do the right choices in my life…and on the road.